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Raphael Jose Martinez

[ website | Myspace, Fuckers! ]
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Damn. [20 Nov 2012|11:19pm]
It's really hard when you're in love with someone who's in love with you, but you both know that it just doesn't work out.
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Surprised? [26 Apr 2012|01:44am]
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You Can Get Away With Anything When Youre Young. [12 Jun 2011|01:59am]
patience. and heartbreak.

i've been happier to be so miserable. i don't understand her, but i love her all the same.
fuck. i don't even understand myself. i mean, im updating a fucking livejournal right now.

gimme emotional torpor.
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Perchance You'll Stumble Onto This. [16 May 2011|02:10am]
i really am happy for you. honestly. incredibly happy. you deserve nothing but the best.

but while i know he likes you (i mean, of course he does! who couldnt, really), i do love you.
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Weathered. [20 Apr 2011|02:22am]
got stuck on campus for a while today. actually, i was hailed out of 80 MPH winds by a deaf 3rd shift cleaning lady into a basement. made for interesting conversation.

now im sitting here highlighting a chomsky excerpt while listening to new order. i feel like im fucking 14 years old.

id ask the inherently self-depricating "what am i doing with my life" question, but i already know the answer. im doing what i want. 14 year old me would be stoked. not that im doing the same thing (cause 14 year old me would think that was boring as fuck) but that im doing what i want to do on my own terms.

im not necessarily happy with all the decisions ive made in this past 14 years, but thats fine. im quite happy knowing that ive lived my life without compromising vision or values.

now back to work.
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A Little Sunset Haven Of My Heart. [21 Mar 2011|03:49am]
i recently found out that people may still read this.

well, if you want to know who i was ten years ago, youve found a good place.

if you want to get to know me, give me a call.

still, i gotta say i found hilarious and awesome that you were checking this thing out.
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Director's Cut. [12 Oct 2010|02:26pm]
1: its an astounding success!
2: i've both lack of sleep and excess of kitten.
3: time for a respite.
3(a): what's youre phone number again? i've seem to have lost it.
4: the words pile and pile and pile.
5: killing time before i get my new mouth.
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Taciturn. [21 Sep 2010|02:59am]
being that its 2010, and nothing is better than its ever been, there is good reason to complain. prefect reason to be utterly fucking miserable. promises havent been kept. nothing has actually come to fruition. our dreams, their dreams, have amounted to nothing more than book-keeping and control groups. nothings is as we thought it would be.

so here we are.

here i am.

the solipsistic aspect of my existing wont let me ask this any other way: how the fuck else am i supposed to feel?!

mind that interrobang; im just as curious as i am upset. afterall, why should i be questioning why the fuck at 28 im wrestling the same situations as i was at 23, 20, 16...

i suppose i'll just run more conversation in my head. let the ticker tape spew on.

better to lose without fighting that to win on a fools gambit.
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Six Different Years Outside My Heart. [11 Sep 2010|02:40am]
Im just old and tired. My time is slowly becoming my most valuable possession and the waste of it through lack of consideration just ruins my day. im old, tired, and simple.

just please dont fuck with me anymore.
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Clarity/Brevity. [25 Aug 2010|01:32pm]
getting blown off for two days, with pre-made plans ignored is shitty. then being asked if its okay to crash, but not hang out, for no reason, is just insulting.
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overview. [15 Apr 2009|03:56am]
hella depressed.
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In Every Corner. [12 Mar 2009|12:52am]
The sudden change in weather has left me wondering if theres anything left to hope for. i dont know if i want to live in a world where one its sleeveless t-shirt cut-off shorts bike ride weather and the next day its pants hoodie/vest combo. fuck that. i need consistency.

ive got some social velocitation going on. three years in milwaukee has made faster. carbondale takes its casually. no need to rehash it out. no need to worry about it. unfortunately it seems that will all this extra time, theres nothing to do but dwell. and the last time it got like that i loaded up a van and moved 8 hours away.

but even without any real plans, im enjoying myself. ive just got to get motivated. theres no reason to not accomplish all the ideas i have. its like ive ever reached for the stars to begin with. but im sure if i did, id get what i wanted eventually any way.

i just need some touchstone between here and there. with all the moving around over the years, ive never had that. well, i did for a while in milwaukee when carbondale started moving up. but then they just became milwaukee. well, started dating milwaukee and stopped hanging out. or simply moved back.

at least theres summer. swimming and shows and bike rides and tattoos and travelling can turn a down man up. or least turn an empty day into a life's milestone.
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(A) New Day Rising. [16 Sep 2008|11:22pm]
i cant help but have countless cliches run through my brain as i right this: "full circle," "square one," "right back where we started," etc. But the truth of the situation is, its not the same as it used to be. my moving south to carbondale isnt the same now as it was back in 2002. how could it be? nothings the same except the circumstances. and those circumstances arent even the same.

the circumstances that are the same are the ones that helped me move to milwaukee in october of 2005. but the difference between now and then is far beyond dates. i never would have thought about moving back to carbondale a few months ago, yet here i am, packing up my van with records and a copy machine ready to store my things in various peoples homes all across the town.

itll be nice though. im thinking of making myself a little map with clues, then drinking a bottle of whiskey and taking some klonopin and having myself a merry little stagger of a scavenger hunt. now where did i leave that copy machine?

but i suppose the best thing about my moving is the fact that im not as much excited to do it as i am relieved. it really does feel like going home. for once i have no grandiose plans to spill in every ear i can find. in fact, my plans could hardly even be considered plans. moving with no place to live and no source of income doesnt quite qualify as well thought out.

but really, does it matter? for once i know exactly what im getting myself into. im sure there will be some new surprises waiting for me (oh you didnt hear? we finally burnt lost cross to the ground! it was magnificent. you could see god smiling for miles. the cops even bought us a round of drinks at PKs), but im not to worried about that. im more ready to start focusing. ramble a little less. hold em. fold em. and just maybe, just walk away.

because sometimes going back isnt really going back at all.
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dead. [15 Apr 2008|12:42am]
looks like this shit is over.

read my real zine:
love in the time of scabies

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Who Fucking Care Anymore, Really. [05 Jan 2008|12:51pm]
i definitely like have a real zine better than this e-zine. then again, if i had a computer in my room like i used to (with internet) id probably update more often.

but i dont - so i dont care.

issue #7 of my zine is done - the collection is done.

my new band is gonna record and do a 7", and a split cassingle. probably a split 7" too.

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Sporatic-core. [08 Nov 2007|02:35pm]
ive been the kind of busy lately which isnt all that busy at all. just time killing. lots of reading and song writing. ive slacked a little on the zine. but thatll be done by the end of the month at the latest. hopefully by the end of next week. but lets be realistic.

girl stuff has come up. dont know what to do. dont really care either. ive been either apathetic or simply fucking annoyed by it. mostly the latter. annoying isnt charming. then again, my apathy probably isnt either.

olivia is coming up for a while. thats nice. carbondale faces are generally the friendliest.

and how about this...my new band hasnt even played a show yet, but were recording for our 7" a week from saturday. brinos going to help put it out. fucking awesome.

i finally switched rooms and am totally happy. my room is stellar and its the living environment that is perfect for me. a little bit of space, filled with ornamental clutter.

so it looks like im going to chicago on saturday with erik o. holy shit/krunchies show. its gonna be rad.
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Never Going To Sleep Again. [18 Oct 2007|01:17pm]
for some reason i was lethargic as fuck yesterday. i read so many different things at work that i dont remember. just plain zombie reading. then i came home, watched some cartoons, listened to the a-side of depeche modes violator and fell asleep. then i got woken up around 1:30 am by a phone call. from who? jackie. it was nice. even though i was totally asleep for the first couple of minutes of it. the first thing i remember her asking is "were you actually asleep." it was great. im really glad that after 2 1/2 years of not talking to each other we can again. ive always really liked her. we were just different people when we were first hanging out. its nice to see that differences get settled, or completely thrown to the wayside over time. shit that would really get to me before doesnt faze me at all. neither one of us are black and goddamn fucking white anymore. i was glad to spend time with her in carbondale when i went back last time. she used to be a really good friend of mine. people changes. and its nice.

finally things to look forward to!

randomn travels. riot fest. new issue of my zine out. another issue coming out soon. new band. switching rooms. possible dj set at the riverhorse. yeah!

ive been listening to interviews on the sound of young america podcast. miranda july, patton oswalt, zach galifinakis, george saunders, andrew wk. its awesome. jamie turned me on to this. and its even better because she does the promo intro on the patton oswalt interview! yeah!

i think im gonna head to office depot. theres a defiance ohio/lefty loosie show tonight that i wouldnt mind going to and selling/handing out zines at.
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One Less E-Friend May Mean One Less Real Friend. [12 Oct 2007|11:27am]
im on a fucking roll. i should probably have another issue of the zine out in a month or so. thatd be way fucking rad. then i can take a little break from it. im thinking of making them thicker. maybe 60 pages instead of 40. id also like to focus a litle more on my new band. id like to be able to start playing out sometime in november. weve got 3 finished songs right now. a 4th finished one that ive got to teach the guys, and a 5th that weve been working on to no final completion yet. i figure that we get those done, come up with 3 more and a cover and weve got ourselves a nice short set.

my new work schedule goes into effect next week. im kinda stoked. thursday - saturday off. 4 days on, 3 days off is fine enough for me. im going to wait a couple of weeks before i ask for it to be changed. i think i want to work 1st shift. im kinda reluctant since itd be my first 1st shift job in about 3 years. but i think itd be better for me.

megan de-friended me on the myspace. me and my zine. she takes the internet rather seriously.
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Are You Going To Send This As A Link As Well? [11 Oct 2007|03:32pm]
jesus christ. why wont megan leave me alone. its all ive asked. nothing more. just some time. i cant be friends with her right now. nor do i really want to. i dont like how ive been treated by her, and i dont like the amount of disrespect ive been getting from her as of late. i mean, come on. just let me get past everything. its not like we have anything left to talk about anyway.
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What Is This Weariness That Waits For You (Shrug). [11 Oct 2007|01:12pm]
the new issue of my zine is done. im really proud of it. i think its the best so far. after doing this thing for almost a year now, the contributions arent as steady (thank god for matt and eric doing a comic for it every fucking time), so theres a lot more of my writing in it. and im kind of happy about that. i like writing. i miss it. ive been so wrapped up in music for the past 5 years or so that ive really neglected writing. at least anything more than lyrics. its not as if i dont want any more contributions, im just comfortable in not having them.

ive been not going out even more lately. missing shows, parties, hanging out. whatever. im making an effort to do things that i want to do in a way i want to do them. its nice, and im content. ive just got to stop eating so much. whenever im sitting around the house ill eventually make my way to the kitchen and whip something up. i like the challenge of making a delicious meal with only the bare minimum of stuff we have. im a good cook and i like to excersise that. unfortunately i dont like to actually excersise, so therein lies the problem.

and you wanna whats weird? i think i might have a crush or two.
yeah. i know. crazy.
i havent crushed on someone in a long time. and in all honesty, i didnt really crush on megan until after we started seeing each other (which was rather right away). there wasnt really time for the butterfly nervous glance crushing. nor room for it, considering she lived in LA at the time. none of that i-hope-shell-be-there-when-im-there-and-i-can-make-a-sorry-excuse-to-talk-to her kind of thing.

i think ive got that going on right now. but im not sure. i used to be a serial-crusher, but its been a long time. then again, maybe i dont. im not sure.

regardless, im simply delighted at the prospect.
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